


i hate getting flashbacks (from things i don’t want to remember)

by KayveeWrites



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Adorable Pavel Chekov, Caring James T. Kirk, Caring Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Caring Spock (Star Trek), Guilt, Hurt Pavel Chekov, Nightmares, Scratching, change my mind, chekov is literally a baby, don't hold me to anything original canon, i've only seen the AOS movies, kirk bones and spock are his parents, you cant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27887476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayveeWrites/pseuds/KayveeWrites
Summary: “I zust scrrratched it on somethin.” Chekov stammered, trying to form a lie on the spot.“You sure?” Bones asked, trying to examine the kid from the other side of the table.“I am fine, doctor. I bandaged it zis morrning. Just letting it airr dry.” The boy responded, trying to keep his voice steady and believable.-After the death of Spock’s mother, Chekov keeps having nightmares about not saving her. During these nightmares, he ends up scratching at himself, leaving horrible cuts. He keeps it hidden until one night he sleepwalks to med-bay.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), Pavel Chekov & James T. Kirk, Pavel Chekov & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Pavel Chekov & Spock
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	i hate getting flashbacks (from things i don’t want to remember)

**Author's Note:**

> These characters do not belong to me. I am solely writing for my enjoyment and make no profit.
> 
> TWs: Unintentional Self-Harm, Mentioned Death
> 
> Hi! So, basically, last week, I rewatched all the Star Trek: AOS movies in one day. They are a favourite of mine. Anyway, they barely covered Chekov, and I think he would have nightmares after losing someone. He is only 17. PS: I've never seen any of the original Star Trek. I have 0 knowledge. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! ♡

_“My nights are drenched in long talks with myself about how things should’ve been but couldn’t be.” - Unknown._

* * *

**_Monday, 0300 Hours_ **

Pavel awoke in a cold sweat. He shot up instantly and leant against the headboard. He let himself be still for a few moments as he waited for his breathing to even out. Looking around, he found the clock. It was three in the morning. It was a least better than last night. He had gone to bed around ten and was up at midnight due to a nightmare.

It was the same terror every night. He couldn’t save Spock’s mother. He got about four hours of sleep a night if he was lucky, and usually, he wasn’t. He could never go back to sleep after this particular dream. He’d always stay up, thinking about how things could have been different.

Chekov stared at the wall for a few moments before noticing the aching pain in his chest. He brought a gentle hand up to his pyjamas, seeing his chest was damp with a red liquid.

“Lights zirty percent,” He groaned. The lights quickly turned on, and he used his arm to shield his eyes. The light burned his eyes slightly, but then again, it was the middle of the night. He pushed himself up, so his back was sitting straight.

He softly unbuttoned his shirt. Looking down, he saw that he had opened up all the cuts on his chest.

“Shit.” He mumbled as he threw his legs over the bed. His nightmares always caused him to scratch his chest like crazy. It had been happening since Spock’s mother’s death, but it had only seemed to be getting worse. Plus, the thrashing around in bed didn’t help.

Wincing, he carefully made his way to the bathroom and started a warm shower. It would sting like hell, but hopefully, help the cuts. He let the shower run as he stripped down. He threw the clothes in a basket by the sink. He would have to wash them himself, as not to raise questions. Chekov climbed in and had to hold back a yelp as the warm water hit his skin.

He let the wounds soak for a few minutes before sitting on the floor of the shower, letting the water hit his head. It didn’t take long, and after a while, he was sobbing. Pavel had an eidetic memory, meaning he always remembered every detail and overanalyzed it. Sometimes, he wished he could just forget everything.

He stayed in the shower for about an hour. If this were at home, he would be running the water bill high. He would have had to shower in cold water. At least here, it was always warm, and he could stay in it forever.

He stepped out of the shower, instantly starting to shiver up. Grabbing the closest towel, he wrapped the lower half of his body. He still needed to bandage up his cuts. Thankfully, they had stopped bleeding. Most of them had clotted and were starting to scab over.

He grabbed his first aid out of the small medicine cabinet they had in their quarters. Chekov did this routine almost every night, so he was quite good. Clean the wounds, put on cream and wrap it with gauze. He finished the procedure within minutes.

With the wounds handled and his sleep ruined, he decided to get ready for the day. He brushed his hair through, making sure it looked nice and put on some deodorant. Chekov then grabbed his make-up bag and started covering up the bags under his eyes. Retreating from the bathroom, he opened up his closet, picking out a uniform and some fresh sweats. He carefully laid his Starfleet uniform on the bed and slipped into his comfy clothes.

He knew he wasn’t getting back to sleep anytime soon, so he grabbed his PADD. He always kept a massive collection of books on his device, so he scrolled through until he found a lovely book from the 2000s. So that’s how Chekov spent his morning, cuddled in his armchair, a blanket pulled to his chin, reading an old book.

* * *

**_Monday, 1300 Hours_ **

“I’ve called in a relief team, so why don’t we all head to the mess hall for lunch? Team bonding!” Kirk suggested, a grin growing on his face. Bones rolled his eyes, commenting about his shifts. Although, everyone knew he would join them though.

Everyone quickly nodded their agreement and set up their stations for the next group of people. It took a few moments, but the new team switched positions with the alpha crew.

“Call me if anything happens!” Kirk shouted to the acting captain as the doors to the turbo lift closed. Chatter filled the ride down. Sulu and Spock were chatting about some new report, while Uhura leaned on her boyfriend’s arm. Bones and Kirk were arguing about his upcoming physical, while Chekov just sulked in a corner. Alone.

The doors opened again, and the team made their way to the mess hall. It was a buffet-style lunch. Chekov offered to secure a table while they each got their food. There were other proposals, but he ultimately landed the job.

He found a quiet round table that could seat seven people. He thought maybe Scotty might join them. He awkwardly sat down, just waiting. Eventually, the group came back, their plates filled. They each took their seats, chatting away, so Chekov took the chance to slip away.

He took a plate and looked around. There wasn’t much he wanted. He threw on a sandwich. He took a guess it was about three hundred calories. That amount of calories would surely fill him up. He walked back and tried to slip into his seat beside Kirk silently. Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful because the captain turned around and looked at him funny.

“What’s that on your chest, Chekov? Looks like a cut.” Kirk asked, his mouth full, as Pavel sat down, putting his plate on the table. Chekov froze. Had he not covered everything? He looked down to see his chest slightly peeking out of his uniform, and sure enough, one of the cuts was peeking out as well.

“I zust scrrratched it on somethin.” Chekov stammered, trying to form a lie on the spot.

“You sure?” Bones asked, trying to examine the kid from the other side of the table.

“I am fine, doctor. I bandaged it zis morrning. Just letting it airr dry.” The boy responded, trying to keep his voice steady and believable.

“Mr. Chekov, I’m sure doctor McCoy here can fix it for you in a few minutes. Fresh new tissue.” Spock suggested.

“Zis fine. I zike old medicine.” Bones eyed the kid down. Something was troubling him. He also didn’t like that Chekov wasn’t letting him take a closer look at the cut. He put it aside for now. The kid had a physical in a bit anyway.

“Alright.” McCoy acknowledged. If the kid said it was okay, then it should be alright. The table was tense for a few minutes, but it quickly got back to its regular banter. However, Chekov stayed quiet the whole time.

_They couldn’t find out._

* * *

**_Thursday, 0100 Hours_ **

The next few days went by as usual. McCoy’s worry for Chekov died down, as did the rest of the crew’s. They were all back to normal. On this night, Bones was working the night shift. Normally Bones didn’t do the night shift, but it was nice to have a change of scenery from time to time. The day shift was always super busy.

He stood up, making his way out of his office and over towards his patients. They only had a few crew members admitted. He checked their vitals, pushed medications and changed some bandages.

Just as he finished with his final patient, he stood up and began making his way to his office. He stopped when he heard the swoosh of the med bay doors opening and light footsteps. He whirled around. He was shocked by who was standing in front of him.

There was Pavel Chekov, in his pyjamas. McCoy quickly noticed the bloodstain on his chest and made his way over to him.

“Hey, kid. You okay?” He asked, using a tone that he usually reserved for Joanna. Chekov didn’t respond. His eyes only started to droop. McCoy suspected he wasn’t fully conscious. He slipped a hand around the kid’s waist and wasn’t surprised when Chekov fainted into his arms.

He yelled over for a nurse or two as he held the boy bridal style. In an instant, there was a wheelchair in front of him, and he placed Chekov into it. Trying to be cautious, he wheeled the boy over to a biobed and gently transported him.

He situated Chekov comfortably on the bed, and as soon as he did, doctors and nurses were all over the boy. A nurse quickly passed McCoy a pair of scissors. Careful not to disturb whatever wound the shirt was covering, he cut it off. What greeted the doctor, he will never forget.

Cuts, scratches, and wounds littered Chekov’s chest. It didn’t take long for Bones to realize the injuries were self-inflicted, whether on purpose or not. He and his team made quick work of examining, cleaning, and bandaging the cuts. Some of the wounds even required stitches. 

McCoy took a closer look at the boy’s chest, noticing scars all over. They certainly looked well-kept, yet they looked old, like three years old. He swore violently under his breath. How long had the kid been doing this?

After about an hour, the team had stabilized the boy. They had bandaged Chekov’s wounds, and McCoy would run him under the regenerator tomorrow. Bones needed a straightforward answer first. He also made sure that there were loose restraints on Chekov’s wrists. He didn’t need the boy making the healing process even harder than it was.

He pulled up a chair beside the boy’s bed and collapsed into it. God, if he had known something was wrong, he would have made the kid get checked out in the med bay the second he saw the cut. If he hadn’t waited, the outcome might have been better. He just sat there, holding the boy’s hand, waiting for him to wake up.

* * *

**_Thursday, 0400 Hours_ **

Leonard must have fallen asleep because he was awoken by someone screaming. His head instantly shot up. Chekov, who was restrained to a biobed, was thrashing around like a mad-man.

He quickly stood up and started to hold the boy down, calling for help. He watched as Chekov tried to bring his arms up to his chest to scratch, yet the restraints were holding him down. _At least he isn’t doing it on purpose_ , Leonard thought.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Bones pulled the boy into a hug and starting rocking him back and forth. Slowly, yet surely, the thrashing died down and was now replaced by sobbing and crying.

“I’ve lost her. I’ve lost her. I’ve lost her.” Chekov whispered, sobbing into McCoy’s shoulder. He still wasn’t fully awake, and Bones didn’t want him to wake up when he was most vulnerable.

He motioned towards the nearest nurse, who held an anesthesia hypo. He kept his hold on the boy tight as he continued to whimper and cry. Chekov didn’t even notice as the nurse gently inserted the needle into his neck. Quietly, she counted down and pushed in the medicine.

Within seconds, he was asleep. His head had now gone limp on Bones’ shoulder. With the help of the medical team, McCoy maneuvered the boy back into a sleeping position. Once the boy was stable, he once again crashed into the chair beside the bed.

_What was he going to do?_

* * *

**_Thursday, 0700 Hours_ **

**** Bones was still in med bay, and he didn’t plan on leaving till Pavel woke up either. He hadn’t slept in a while and didn’t plan on it. But that wasn’t the point, and besides, he had coffee and had taken a nap sometime during the night.

As soon as he knew the alpha crew was on the bridge, he called Jim down. The captain said he would need some time, but he would come down as soon as possible. Bones hadn’t precisely told Kirk that Chekov was the one in med bay, but he did call in sick on the ensign’s behalf.

He wanted to keep this as quiet as he could. The kid was young, and even though the Enterprise was great, some of the crew would definitely bug him about it. While he waited for the captain, Bones sat beside Chekov’s bed, drinking a coffee and reading through the boy’s medical file.

It didn’t take long to see a bubbly Jim stroll into med bay, surprisingly not the one hurt this time. He walked around, looking for McCoy. Eventually, he found his doctor friend, but he froze as he saw where Bones was sitting. His youngest crew member was restrained to a biobed, his shirt off and chest covered in bandages.

“What the hell happened?” Jim asked quietly, not trusting his voice. Bones gestured towards the chair on the other side of the bed, and Kirk hesitantly sat down. Leonard closed the curtains around the bed, ensuring the three of them had some privacy.

“He sleepwalked into med bay last night. I noticed that his pyjamas had blood on them. He collapsed right into my arms.” Bones explained, fear in his eyes. “Anyways, we cleaned up the cuts. But-”  
  
“But?” Jim choked out, trying to remain civil. As he waited for Bones to continue to explain, he gently took the ensign’s hand, holding it tight. With his other hand, he stroked the boy’s cheek softly.

“We found out they were self-inflicted.” Bones didn’t even have time to continue before Jim’s head shot up. McCoy hadn’t seen so much anger, betrayal and fear in Kirk’s eyes, ever.

“Jim! Calm down.” Bones hissed. “He’s not doing it on purpose. He has been having night terrors and scratching himself. I was actually hoping you could identify why he has them.”  
  
“What do you mean? How could I help?”

“Well, I’m assuming it’s a memory. Chekov keeps muttering, ‘I lost her’ over and over again. Do you know if something happened?” Jim’s hand instantly shot up to his mouth. Kirk knew the exact memory Pavel was reliving. McCoy stared at him expectantly, waiting for an explanation.

“It was back in 2258. The first time I was on this ship. The crew was trying to save the Vulcans. Spock’s mother was on the edge of a cliff, and it broke.” Jim hesitated, gripping the boy’s hand tighter. “Chekov was working the transporter, hell, he saved Sulu and I. Anyways, the kid tried, but he couldn’t energize her in time.”

  
  
“Did anyone tell him it wasn’t his fault?” Bones fumed, already knowing the answer. Kirk just shook his head sadly. The two of them sat in silence for a few moments before Pavel’s light groaning grabbed their attention.

“I think he’s waking up.” Bones pointed out, grabbing his tricorder and standing up to hover over the kid. Kirk was instantly at the boy’s side as well.

“Chekov, you with us?” Kirk asked as the kid’s eyes started flickering open.

“Keptin?” Pavel muttered, trying to open his eyes. The lights were bugging him. He tried to pull his arms up to rub his eyes, but he wouldn’t. He gently looked down to find himself restrained.

“Oh! I’m sorry. I’ll take those off.” Bones cursed as he took off the restraints and pushed the biobed into a sitting position.

“How are you feeling? Don’t lie.” Kirk scolded, keeping a steady hand on Chekov’s shoulder.

“Betterr. Why am I in ze med bay?” Pavel asked, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Bones stared him down.

“You have a lot of explaining to do, kid.”

* * *

**_Thursday, 1200 Hours_ **

Pavel figured there was absolutely no point in lying anymore. The scratches on his chest gave it away, plus the doctor had witnessed him having a nightmare. So he told them the truth, the whole truth. 

He told them about the hidden first aid kit in his quarters, the waking up at three in the morning, the fact that it had been going on for years, what the nightmares were about, everything.

After he finished, both Kirk and Bones pulled him into a big hug. They both scolded him for not telling them sooner. Although they weren’t mad, they were just happy that he was okay. The captain even gave him a few days off to recover and come up with a plan to beat these nightmares.

The three of them were all talking and brainstorming ideas. Bones suggested he use a nightly sedative, mitts and some light restraints. The doctor didn’t want him to create more scratches or open old wounds. Kirk had also ordered him to talk to a therapist. Pavel hesitantly agreed to all their ideas. He wanted to get better.

It was about noon. A nurse had brought around hot chocolate, Chekov’s favourite drink. The three of them sipped on their cocoa, chatting away as if nothing ever happened. Then something surprising happened, and Chekov certainly wasn’t prepared for commander Spock to enter the med bay and stroll over to his bed.

Apparently, Kirk had told Spock about what had happened. The commander walked over to the side of the bed and sat down. Nervously, Chekov set his drink on the bedside table and took a deep breath. Spock placed a reassuring hand on the kid’s leg.

“I never blamed you, ensign. But, if it makes you feel better, I forgive you.” Spock assured Chekov. Although his voice was monotone and dull, Pavel was sure he could see a form of emotion in the Vulcan’s eyes. Spock then pulled the boy into a hug, and Chekov set his head on the commander’s shoulder, tears sparkling in his eyes.

“Zank you.”

* * *

_“Of all the things you choose in life, you don’t get to choose what your nightmares are. You don’t pick them; they pick you.” - John Irving._

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